stolen moments...bittersweet and endearing.

the magic has lifted, revealing the ugly, dark reality beneath.

I’m clinging on to the last invisible thread of hope.
Hanging on for life, not wanting to fall down into the depths of nowhere.
In limbo.
Trying. Trying to hold on, pull myself together.
I know that the moment the thread slips out of my hands, I'm a changed person.
Trying to hold on to the person I was.
But I have already lost her...
to a love long lost...

excerpt from Linkin Park's "In the End." So totally what i feel, broken, failed, lost.
………………
What it meant to me
Will eventually
Be a memory
Of a time when

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There’s only one thing you should know

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
And lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

FATE...

I'm in the train going home sitting at the window watching life pass by me. Trees, stations, tracks, people, all dart by in a blur.

CUT

I stand at the window. A cold breeze has picked up; the curtains are billowing under the effect. Far away I can hear a few lone crows cawing, probably in their sleep. It's one o' clock in the morning and Pragya's sound asleep. I absorb the darkness, the quiet. My mind in a turmoil, its been a while since it rested in peace. Feelings well up inside me, but I quell them for the fear of an outburst. I introspect, I ponder, I think, I wonder, but I dont get any answers. But then, I gave up asking questions long ago. For how long can I maintain this facade? For how long will flashes of memories blind me, songs remind me, smells give me the warmth I'm craving?

CUT

broken...

I squeeze my eyes shut to stop the images. A lone tear escapes from under my lashes, tracing a warm path down my cold cheeks. I open my eyes and I’m blinded by tears, threatening to turn into a deluge. How do I wipe five years from my life, dust away the intricate cob webs that I had woven then? How do I cover up the footprints left behind? I watch my pyramid of dreams crashing down, the furthest one placed most precariously on the top; my hopes spiral away, away from my reach, leaving me all alone. As I try to touch them for the last time, the flood gates open, destroying every inch of will power in their wake. Will I ever dream again, give my self again?

Flashbacks...

Flashback: We were just the three of us—a motley trio brought together by circumstances more than by common attributes. There were days when I had to defend one from the other, yet I was enjoying the friendship of both. We were inseparable, throughout those two years—the three of us. Walks on the lawn, secrets, long telephone conversations, pajama parties, cookery trials, through crushes and relationships, and parents and teachers, we just barged through and reached a point where our childish untouched minds believed in forever—eternity.

Present: We exist in different countries, all studying and not only kept apart by geographical boundaries, but also by the boundaries of age, maturity, changed attitudes and different priorities. We are no more in touch as “the three of us”; no more the inseparables we used to be. But I don’t mourn, because I know that the bond remains, somehow, so strong that it will keep bringing us back together. I can’t forgive always but I can definitely forget, and forget, I will…someday! We have all gone thru hell and each of us is aware of the other’s silent suffering, yet we can only stand with our mouths agape and our hands loose by our side, silently willing and hoping that the other takes the right step. Aware that we are all mature individuals and no more the motley trio we were—the ugly ducklings became swans, and how!

I remember...

I remember his last words to me; they were uttered in a state of complete disorientation. It was something to do with my hair or some light—I can’t remember precisely. I wanted to ask him to stay, to always be there, wanted to tell him that I love him—despite the painful fights, angry tears, slamming doors and volley of arguments.
I remember the pride in his voice when I would sing—the only time I gave him that chance. I can still recall the first time I’d hugged him and the last time I didn’t. The last time I touched his feet, they were cold. I wish he were here to see me today; somewhere the “me” today is a result of his legacy.
I remember hating him with the same intensity with which I loved him. Even his last conscious words to me were to get out of the room. Yet his excitement at receiving me at the airport, his fierce protection, his generosity, and his stupid jokes are all I can remember.
It’s taken me more than a year to get this out. Yet, “Annu, I miss u more than you’ll ever know. I love you. I wish u were here to see me today. But, I’m sure you’re somewhere above looking down with pride—and smiling.”

ive been suffering from writers block since a long time and still am, but i just wanted to write something here. there are so many things happening in my life right nw, that i dunno where to start. im so damned sleepy, havent gotten proper sleep since god alone knows how long. it been ages, m just running helter skelter. :)

Love is in the Air

Yesterday I asked one of my closest friends to answer the corniest question in the world—what is love? Well he gave me his answer, his perspective. But from my experiences and observations I have come across a definition—more like an explanation—of love.

I think love is the silence between two people, the look in your lover's eyes, a touch, caring, sacrifice, beauty…a smile, laughter, teasing, fights, a kiss, a hug, a shoulder to cry on, a best friend. It’s a feeling of utmost exhilaration, elation, excitement…happiness to the depths of the deepest, most heart-wrenching sadness, loss, tears, intertwining of fingers. It’s the mutual liking for some things and the opposing dislike for others. It's different ideologies and the amalgamation of common dreams. It’s respect, trust, forgiveness…memories, hope, a whole new world...colorful, sometimes bleak and foggy. It’s giving and taking, and making and creating. It’s comfort, security, goose bumps, tenderness…decisions, faith, and tough choices.

pondering....

Man is a social animal. Ive been hearing this ever since i knew what "social animal" meant. Oh i completely agree that in some ways man is worse than an animal. But that day i was just marvelling at the fact that Man is so adaptive. We may complain , grumble, swear never to change a particular habit or lifestyle, but when we are forced to do it, we adapt!! and so easily!!
That day we were moving house, and inevitably it brought back memories of when we were packing up to leave Salalah. Poignant, nostalgic. And all mom could say was that it was the end of another chapter. A roller coaster ride... thats how i describe last year. But then i was wondering , why cant we look forward and say "a new chapter" Life is a book and each phase is a chapter, but this is a new chapter. Let's look forward and wait in anticipation; not only for what we want but what we dont want as well. Ah me has become philisophical.
Let's change the topic. That day i was chatting with one of my oldest school friends, and it felt so nice Jus seeing how we've grown up in these five years since school and all that and then i realised that suddenly our paths have changes, our goals have chnaged , we have become new people and suddenly the only link we have is our childhood and God! how strong that one link is! You know, its so weird. i have had friends all my life-especially in school- but today i find that i can hardly connect to them. they dont seem to have chnaged as a result of their experiences, but i have. and at some level the maturity level in us just doesnt connect. It's sad in a way but the friendship will remain. I'm sure of that.
hmmm.. you know, nowadays ive been advocating one particular fact of everyone's life- the fact that dont expect anyone to understand you or your circumstances. it's not their fault, its jsut that unless and until they are in a similar situation as you, they wont, but even then its not a guarantee, thts because the nature of their situation maybe different, and more importantly, they may handle it differently. Every person is unique and may not have the same reaaction as you do.
God is indeed a marvellous entity.
hmmmm i dunnno where to end this stupid discourse or how! so till then:)