my dreams are bursting at the seams...

I'm a simple girl.

I've lived my life in a protected environment. I would'nt say pampered, but protected, nevertheless. As a child I never thought of the future. What would I be when I'm twenty five. What kind of guy would I want to marry. Would things like community, caste, religion, really matter? As I grew up and adolescence set in, things began to change, but I was never sure. I had talents, oh I did. But I never bothered to hone them really. I was often called unambitious, never felt that I was really very intelligent. None of the moves I made in life were directed/guided by me, and life went on. I made choices, often not very wise ones, mostly because I was hesitant. Hesitant to go against what everyone else said and to do what I wanted. But then I  was never really sure of what I even wanted.

Today, Im 25 years old. Still struggling to establish my career. And as I see life pass me by, I realise those dormant ambitions within me are waking up. I have simple demands; Id like to think that Im not that complicated.

I want security. Which is something, i believe, everyone wants. But as I see my self struggling everyday, for the past three years (though Im sure other people are going thru worse) I see that I want more. Prolly more than people want to or can give me, and then I look within myself to bring out that security; like they all say, i am alone in this world, i came alone, ill die alone.

I have come upon a very impoirtant decision in my life. Something major in everyone's lives and somehow, now, given my compromises, struggling, sacrifices and tears, i just want to make it perfect.

My dreams are bursting at the seams. But is it all too much to ask for? Isnt security a simple enough demand? 

hope...

I had written this quite a few months ago and just found it in my drafts.....
posting it so that no thought, emotion or feeling of mine gets lost in the myriad complications of life



so many things i don't want u to be

so many things u are

so many things u want me to be

so many things im not. 

so much to change

so much to sacrifice...

nothing is as we want

there always is a price

where does this all end?

when do we call the quits?

how can we live and love?

how can we believe in us?

as life moves on and hopes and aspirations build

along comes fear, and pain and joy

hope warms the ice cold heart

i look toward what we may be tomorrow

i hope to see what we are today

the future looks far away and dim

but i hope that things are how we want them to be

full circle

she was alone, side tracked...

they were at it like cats and dogs...

always shouting, crying, being stubborn

all of them.

things changed, they washed their hands off each other

she grew up, apparently the "angel"

timid, restrained, subdued...

refused to come out of her shell,

never knowing there was one!

time passed, the hatred, the anger increased.

the few moments of peace and love gave her relief.

sometimes reality was too hard to digest

so she stayed away.

somewhere inside she believed that only one was right...

time passed, she changed, became a person of her own

formed her own identity, carved her own niche

away from them, she saw them for who they were

just wounded human beings, having gotten into something vicious,

being unable to get out of it.

and all she could be was a silent spectator

accepting that it was all she could do...

watch them....tears dropping silently

onto her folded hands

in a prayer for peace, normalcy...

a tribute to home...

What is it about this place we call home? What is it that a mere slur against the very name makes our blood boil… The place where many of us were born and many of us spent more than half our lives….what is it that a mere song or a tale brings back rushing moments of the joys and sorrows we felt?

Our escapades, our near scrapes with the authorities…the overnights, the walks along the airport road…the memories of meeting in Lulu centre…Annual day and Khareef festival—the highlights of the year…the numerous picnics, the field trips….the Jabals, the camels…bus rides…sports day… the choir!!

Yet, we yearned for our freedom, from the oppressive environment, and yet the heart craves to go back to the place where we once “were.”

A photograph, a place, a person brings back so many memories that tears well up and we ache to return home, return to the place where we first learnt to walk, where we made our first friends, where we made our best friends, where we discovered our talents, a place where we lost the people dearest to us, where we found the people dearest to us….

The bonds we created there were the strongest ever…people who dint matter then have become so much more important to us today…a random person from school adds us on FB and we immediately accept, an attempt to move closer to where our heart is…

Salalah, the heart of Oman, the oasis in the desert, our home… has become our haven, a place to heal, to recuperate, to bask in the memories of our childhood, to go back to the time when life was innocent and childlike, when we dreamt of bigger things, bigger places….we’ve reached where we wanted to…but our heart is still stuck where it was…

Some may call it a fool’s paradise, which practically speaking, it may be, but I’d (and many of us) rather be a fool than let go of my home…

feelings....

I’m struggling with my feelings,

I don’t know what it is… a desperate melancholy, emptiness, maybe hope??

There’s the rock and the hard place, and then there’s me, stuck in between

And no matter how much I try, I’m probably going to die of claustrophobia…

So many feelings, so many thoughts, so many memories surround me,

The ink on the paper spreads, creating a pattern of swirling emotions,

I wanna laugh, I wanna cry, I wanna feel like never before,

I wanna dance, swirl in his arms, where there is just me and him…

There is so much I want, yet so much that comes with it that I don’t…

What is higher? My identity, my pride, the perceptions I have created through these years?? Or is all that matters just me and him??

But then, just me and him, is not all that matters to him…is it??

Is this even about us?? Is this just a fantasy of being in love, sharing intimate moments?

Or is it true love?? The thing that people live their entire lives to search for…

That movies and novels describe,

But these past 4 years have taught me so much more…

i can love, i have found love, and i believe in it... but is it enough??

Where does it all end? Where do I come to a standstill and choose?

A choice that will affect us all, whether it’s for the good or the bad…

But the emotions remain, my feelings still swirling in the pit of my stomach,

And I can’t think, I can only feel…

Maybe ill wish on a shooting star or ill kneel down and bend my head in penance at the altar

Or ill talk to God one on one

Till then, I can only feel…

Epitome of Cynicism... and Lessons Learned.

So im trying to get it out...Here goes:

My Ten Commandments

• Listen to your intuition-- it is always right.

• Understand that love is overrated-- it is never like in the movies.

• Realise that noone will understand what you are going through, not even if they have gone through it themselves-- the experiences are always different.

• Don't think that love overcomes everything-- you need to be on the same wavelength.

• Don't depend on anyone wholly-- they always keep themselves happy first-- and so do you!

• Marriage is not the perfect end to love-- its just the beginner's course to test your love.

• Always be there for your family-- they are the only ones who you can love unconditionally-- God's rule.

• Don't care about society and what it says-- it is there to gab and gossip. It is your life; do what you feel is right.

• Never hope-- I know, if it were not for hope, the heart would break-- but it breaks anyway, hoping just makes it worse.

• Always believe in yourself-- no specific God, no religion-- believe that you know the difference between right and wrong, good and bad; make that your religion and that your God. You are what you make of yourself...

Roles...

Few of the most enlightening moments occur in the loo. Believe it or not!!
—Shanti

Okay nothing very enlightening, but I was just wondering, as I was answering nature’s call, about the many roles that I have been playing and still play…and the many roles I have begun to play since the past few years. In simple English, let me define who I am according to my roles in society. (and now I start sounding like a sociology text book)

A woman—free, independent, liberal…a daughter—responsible, loving, helpless, concerned…a sister—concerned, hopeful…a friend—giving, listening, helping, enjoying…a teacher—teaching (obviously), learning, scolding, being patient…a student—learning, always running late, passionate about psychology…a lover (or rather used to be)—giving, taking, sharing, caring, loving, hoping…a listener—just listening, empathizing, talking, communicating…an editor—hacking people’s hard work and supplementing them with my own, enhancing, correcting, beautifying…a colleague—shy, quiet, friendly…an employee—always running late, conscientious…a teenager—rebelling, rebelling…against society, mom, life!...a child—wishing for the return of innocence, carefree life, someone else handling the responsibilities…and above all me—an absolute romantic, foodie, bull-headed at times, dreamy yet practical, emotional fool….

FATE...

I'm in the train going home sitting at the window watching life pass by me. Trees, stations, tracks, people, all dart by in a blur.

CUT

I stand at the window. A cold breeze has picked up; the curtains are billowing under the effect. Far away I can hear a few lone crows cawing, probably in their sleep. It's one o' clock in the morning and Pragya's sound asleep. I absorb the darkness, the quiet. My mind in a turmoil, its been a while since it rested in peace. Feelings well up inside me, but I quell them for the fear of an outburst. I introspect, I ponder, I think, I wonder, but I dont get any answers. But then, I gave up asking questions long ago. For how long can I maintain this facade? For how long will flashes of memories blind me, songs remind me, smells give me the warmth I'm craving?

CUT

Love is in the Air

Yesterday I asked one of my closest friends to answer the corniest question in the world—what is love? Well he gave me his answer, his perspective. But from my experiences and observations I have come across a definition—more like an explanation—of love.

I think love is the silence between two people, the look in your lover's eyes, a touch, caring, sacrifice, beauty…a smile, laughter, teasing, fights, a kiss, a hug, a shoulder to cry on, a best friend. It’s a feeling of utmost exhilaration, elation, excitement…happiness to the depths of the deepest, most heart-wrenching sadness, loss, tears, intertwining of fingers. It’s the mutual liking for some things and the opposing dislike for others. It's different ideologies and the amalgamation of common dreams. It’s respect, trust, forgiveness…memories, hope, a whole new world...colorful, sometimes bleak and foggy. It’s giving and taking, and making and creating. It’s comfort, security, goose bumps, tenderness…decisions, faith, and tough choices.

Me...

It’s been a long time, and since I treat my blog as my agony aunt, I decided to pour out my woes hmmm, m tired, overwhelmingly... mentally, physically, tired of struggling every single day… but when life throws curves at you, it does so when u are totally not prepared, and unarmed and helpless, your defenses are down… I’m scared; shit scared of becoming more cynical than I already am, more bitter, and jus extremely sober and serious. It’s been a long journey this past year. Have learnt a lot, started thinking more practically, but there are times when I feel like being pampered, being held and told that m loved and someone always looking out for me…I don wanna give any more, I want to take… it sounds selfish but I’ve jus given and given and given and now I have nothing more to give… some times i think tht one of the reasons i love reading so much , is that i get absorbed in someone else's life, i dont have to be there on the scene, i dont have to think of wht to do next, the decisions are made by someone else who i dont have any associations with... well m in a self pitying mood, so pardon :)

as promised, today was the most hectic, yet fulfilling day of my life....no time to brood, or sulk or get irritated. jus needed immense concentation as the day passed. and though it resulted in a massive headache, my singing class gave me enough relaxation that i was able to actually sit here and write this out....well tomm is another day...lets c what happens

feel.....Contd

I was looking out of the window at 130 in the morning.... it was pouring, the wind blowing and the streets getting a makeover. In the street light, the leaves were gleaming, the rain drops were shimmering , the light reflected the water on the road. And all i could do was admire the scenery outside. It was jus pouring, water everywhere, everything so clean and spanking new,
and the talkative person that i am, for once i am absolutely unable to express what i was feeling. I jus felt ....and it was a mixture of elation, profound sadness, regret, hope, guilt, need and warmth. I walked barefoot, back to my bed and snuggled under the covers, amidst all the thunder, lightning and the pounding rain, slipping away gradually into the world of dreams..........

Feel

There is a certain restlessness in the air, bearing with it windy changes, change of weather, a new beginning, a new lifestyle…there is some apprehension about these bearings……curtains are flying about, hues of orange, green and yellow,somewhere a dog barks, I sit in my chair as I type this and feel….. jus feel the wind on my face, a certain excitement about the upcoming rains, again a change, trudging through flooded roads, getting drenched jeans down, balancing a bag, umbrella and myself…. Another time altogether, reminds me of a time we were at bandstand and carters….it suddenly started pouring cats and dogs, a time we walked in the rain under a big colorful rainbow, umbrella. I love marine drive in the rains at night, everything looks so washed and new, so shiny. All the muck being washed away………………
The leaves rustle, the windows bang, cars honk, the wind chime at the window chimes and I sit cozily in my room, remembering, hoping, wishing and anticipating...................