confusion

Ever since I was old enough to understand what I really wanted to become in life, I remember having wanted to be a psychologist. Contrary to the "I want to be a doctor/teacher when I grow up" dreams, I knew that talking to people, helping people was what I wanted. I was in the eighth standard, with no knowledge whatsoever about psychology, its status in India, etc, etc. I got into Speech and Hearing Therapy thinking that I would make do with even a smattering of psychology. But, for a gamut of reasons, that didn’t work out, and I got the biggest opportunity to pursue my dream. This time, I wasn’t going to screw up. After dragging Amma through all the possible colleges (or rather Amma dragging me), I got into JaiHind College, one of the reputed South Mumbai colleges.

Come the final exams of my second year at college and Annu passed away. I was jerked out of my complacency overnight and thrown into the real world; I became responsible; no more could I have fun and not give a damn about anything even fairly important. Amma and I stayed together and I was in the Third year—juggling cooking, studying, taking tuitions. In the summer, I got the opportunity to work at an esteemed psychiatric clinic, and one of the clinical psychologists there became my role model. Soon, I knew that this was what I wanted to do—clinical psychology. I put in all my efforts into studying for my finals, while battling with typhoid and chicken pox, and I survived. The next step was to get into university and Mumbai University was my goal, but I had no guarantee of getting into Clinical and opted for SNDT University in the bargain.

To support myself, I started working part-time as a copyeditor at a company and attended college, took tuitions and went nuts, in every sense. Anyway, my MA has been more of a joke than a Master’s degree, and I’m now so disillusioned with the field that I cannot consider working here. With half-baked knowledge, not an ounce of skill, I’m expected to go out into that world and influence the life of another individual. I had built a rosy picture of the psychiatric world on the basis of my internship placement, and boy, am I glad that I got to see the real world.

So, now it’s a tug of war between psychology and editing—a field in which I have found that I have a fair amount of talent—where I’m getting the opportunity to establish myself into the editing world. I’m on either side of the rope, or maybe, I am the rope that’s being tugged…

I’m lost, I don’t know whether I should be something within the field I chose and which is my passion—oh, yes! I still love psychology but something for the subject has died ever since I’ve seen its status in India and how backward and unethical we are—or to get into the publishing world and if all goes well, make a name for myself and a different career. 

failure

I've had my share of failure. Not one but many. And as i failed each time, i would withdraw further, cringe and give up. Life had become a constant...my thoughts justified each other. Id lay in bed at night, thinking, wondering, cursing myself for not having the guts to face failure, for not having the guts to be who i was, to be ME.

For me, escapism was the way out...
the door was open, the feet ready to walk out. but the mind was fickle, diffident, changing the moment it was made up....

those days were agony, that time was tortuous and not because of my experiences--those paled in comparison to my thoughts.
I was faithless. I dint have faith in God, in my family, in myself...

The mind is a funny entity. it can torture u no end, but can fool u into believing that all is well....

slowly and steadily i picked up the pieces, learnt from my mistakes, reined my mind in.
gradually i grew out of the shell i had hidden inside, broke open barriers and as i lifted my face up to the sky and the sun's rays shone down on me...i was a new person

I cant say that i left that failure behind, but i kept it in mind, it was always my driving force...to succeed to not be who i used to be. to remain ME.

full circle

she was alone, side tracked...

they were at it like cats and dogs...

always shouting, crying, being stubborn

all of them.

things changed, they washed their hands off each other

she grew up, apparently the "angel"

timid, restrained, subdued...

refused to come out of her shell,

never knowing there was one!

time passed, the hatred, the anger increased.

the few moments of peace and love gave her relief.

sometimes reality was too hard to digest

so she stayed away.

somewhere inside she believed that only one was right...

time passed, she changed, became a person of her own

formed her own identity, carved her own niche

away from them, she saw them for who they were

just wounded human beings, having gotten into something vicious,

being unable to get out of it.

and all she could be was a silent spectator

accepting that it was all she could do...

watch them....tears dropping silently

onto her folded hands

in a prayer for peace, normalcy...

feelings....

I’m struggling with my feelings,

I don’t know what it is… a desperate melancholy, emptiness, maybe hope??

There’s the rock and the hard place, and then there’s me, stuck in between

And no matter how much I try, I’m probably going to die of claustrophobia…

So many feelings, so many thoughts, so many memories surround me,

The ink on the paper spreads, creating a pattern of swirling emotions,

I wanna laugh, I wanna cry, I wanna feel like never before,

I wanna dance, swirl in his arms, where there is just me and him…

There is so much I want, yet so much that comes with it that I don’t…

What is higher? My identity, my pride, the perceptions I have created through these years?? Or is all that matters just me and him??

But then, just me and him, is not all that matters to him…is it??

Is this even about us?? Is this just a fantasy of being in love, sharing intimate moments?

Or is it true love?? The thing that people live their entire lives to search for…

That movies and novels describe,

But these past 4 years have taught me so much more…

i can love, i have found love, and i believe in it... but is it enough??

Where does it all end? Where do I come to a standstill and choose?

A choice that will affect us all, whether it’s for the good or the bad…

But the emotions remain, my feelings still swirling in the pit of my stomach,

And I can’t think, I can only feel…

Maybe ill wish on a shooting star or ill kneel down and bend my head in penance at the altar

Or ill talk to God one on one

Till then, I can only feel…

Epitome of Cynicism... and Lessons Learned.

So im trying to get it out...Here goes:

My Ten Commandments

• Listen to your intuition-- it is always right.

• Understand that love is overrated-- it is never like in the movies.

• Realise that noone will understand what you are going through, not even if they have gone through it themselves-- the experiences are always different.

• Don't think that love overcomes everything-- you need to be on the same wavelength.

• Don't depend on anyone wholly-- they always keep themselves happy first-- and so do you!

• Marriage is not the perfect end to love-- its just the beginner's course to test your love.

• Always be there for your family-- they are the only ones who you can love unconditionally-- God's rule.

• Don't care about society and what it says-- it is there to gab and gossip. It is your life; do what you feel is right.

• Never hope-- I know, if it were not for hope, the heart would break-- but it breaks anyway, hoping just makes it worse.

• Always believe in yourself-- no specific God, no religion-- believe that you know the difference between right and wrong, good and bad; make that your religion and that your God. You are what you make of yourself...