desires...

I want to throw a tantrum, stamp my feet on the ground and shake my fists in the air.

I jus want to get away from here. Don’t feel like working.

Want to be at marine drive take a walk, feel exhilarated. Look at cute guys and pass dirty looks at the ones who think they’re cute. Look at the rich dogs on the road and wish I had one myself. Smell the sea breeze, feel cold and wish that someone was hugging me instead of their jacket.

I want to go to the quaint little church of the Convent of Jesus and Mary and kneel down at the altar and speak to God—one on one. The pews filled with flowers and little hymn books and the rays of the sun streaming through the stained glass windows.

I’m a pathetic artist, and my artistic abilities are restricted to merely buying ten-rupee coloring books from the train and filling them using my cherished Staedtler color pencils. But I suddenly want to buy a canvas and an easel and oil paints and just paint, de-stress, throw my emotions into the colors, create magic and beauty.

I want to cozy up against a non-existent fire-place with a mug of hot chocolate in one hand (with whipped cream and a tight hug!!) and a wonderful book in the other—all-engrossing, and emotionally arousing.

I want to light candles in my room, and see the shadows dance on the walls. Leave my hair loose, feel beautiful.

I want it to rain, pour in torrents, and I want to drench and soak in it. Feel the water seep through my clothes, my skin. Turn my face up towards the sky. I want to smell the mud, and see the trees glistening with rain drops, and the city with a newly laundered look to it.

I want to walk on a clean beach, barefoot, collecting shells. Look beyond the horizon, at a ship sailing far away.

I want to attend someone’s wedding and pig out on all the food, see the love that is shared between the happy couple.

I want to get drunk without drinking and fall off my chair, tipsy. I want to release myself and let go of all my inhibitions.

I want to sleep in a log cabin, with a fire crackling cheerfully in the fire place. Want to sleep between satin sheets all cozy and read another book. Put on some soft soulful music and be with myself.

Am I asking for too much ??!!!

Okay I had commented on one of my friends blogs, and this is what i had written, i cant imagine what was going on in my mind at that moment, but well...

Your day passes by in a flurry of activity, when you’re so involved that
your mind doesn’t get a chance to wander. Then the time comes when you’re with
yourself...the nights...the dreams...the insomnia. You introspect, “did I go
wrong somewhere?”, “what happened?” and we emotional fools may also wonder “why
me?!” A zillion nights pass like this, the introspection...the dreamless sleep
or the sleepless dreams. Somewhere the remnants of hope, of dreams dreamt
together, of dreams dreamt alone, come back to haunt you, but they are better
left untouched, coz the skeletons in your closets may not go back, and to face
reality would be life's biggest challenge!!

I’m at work, as bored as my tuition kids are when I lecture them on completing their work on time :). Aaah...the feeling of watching children switch off the moment they know that u are going to lecture them; I’m in training for motherhood it seems.

So let me introduce myself. I’m 23 years old and a graduate in psychology. I’m currently pursuing my masters in psychology and working at the same time. I work as an academic editor, and though it’s a wonderful job that I enjoy very much, it is very very mind effing. Along with this seemingly crazy schedule, I tutor two 12-yr-olds who are each cute in their own way and can also get on my nerves pretty soon. God has also gifted me with a voice, which I am currently in the process of honing by attending Hindustani classical vocal classes at the institute near my house. Interestingly, despite my hectic schedule I don’t seem to be losing any weight, so I have joined a gym. Phew...

My living conditions involve living in a flat with one of my closest friends from my hostel, and we have a gala time—despite her not being there most of the time. But life is still fun and six months have passed so quickly that I haven’t even realized where they have gone. But I feel fulfilled, I feel useful and busy, despite my daily lamenting on how much work I have pending or how tired I am.

Hmmm…so what have I accomplished so far? Independence, responsibilities, patience, traveling fatigue :), tolerance, alertness for any kind of situation, confidence in dealing with emergencies, confidence in dealing with any kind of person, assertiveness (which is slowly, yet steadily winning the race), still no control over my temper and crazy mood swings (scorpion tendencies u see!!), more value for money and an equal amount of guilt over spending it, pride—at supporting myself, monetarily, emotionally. Hmmm…that seems to be about it.

stolen moments...bittersweet and endearing.

the magic has lifted, revealing the ugly, dark reality beneath.

I’m clinging on to the last invisible thread of hope.
Hanging on for life, not wanting to fall down into the depths of nowhere.
In limbo.
Trying. Trying to hold on, pull myself together.
I know that the moment the thread slips out of my hands, I'm a changed person.
Trying to hold on to the person I was.
But I have already lost her...
to a love long lost...

excerpt from Linkin Park's "In the End." So totally what i feel, broken, failed, lost.
………………
What it meant to me
Will eventually
Be a memory
Of a time when

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There’s only one thing you should know

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
And lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

FATE...

I'm in the train going home sitting at the window watching life pass by me. Trees, stations, tracks, people, all dart by in a blur.

CUT

I stand at the window. A cold breeze has picked up; the curtains are billowing under the effect. Far away I can hear a few lone crows cawing, probably in their sleep. It's one o' clock in the morning and Pragya's sound asleep. I absorb the darkness, the quiet. My mind in a turmoil, its been a while since it rested in peace. Feelings well up inside me, but I quell them for the fear of an outburst. I introspect, I ponder, I think, I wonder, but I dont get any answers. But then, I gave up asking questions long ago. For how long can I maintain this facade? For how long will flashes of memories blind me, songs remind me, smells give me the warmth I'm craving?

CUT

broken...

I squeeze my eyes shut to stop the images. A lone tear escapes from under my lashes, tracing a warm path down my cold cheeks. I open my eyes and I’m blinded by tears, threatening to turn into a deluge. How do I wipe five years from my life, dust away the intricate cob webs that I had woven then? How do I cover up the footprints left behind? I watch my pyramid of dreams crashing down, the furthest one placed most precariously on the top; my hopes spiral away, away from my reach, leaving me all alone. As I try to touch them for the last time, the flood gates open, destroying every inch of will power in their wake. Will I ever dream again, give my self again?

Flashbacks...

Flashback: We were just the three of us—a motley trio brought together by circumstances more than by common attributes. There were days when I had to defend one from the other, yet I was enjoying the friendship of both. We were inseparable, throughout those two years—the three of us. Walks on the lawn, secrets, long telephone conversations, pajama parties, cookery trials, through crushes and relationships, and parents and teachers, we just barged through and reached a point where our childish untouched minds believed in forever—eternity.

Present: We exist in different countries, all studying and not only kept apart by geographical boundaries, but also by the boundaries of age, maturity, changed attitudes and different priorities. We are no more in touch as “the three of us”; no more the inseparables we used to be. But I don’t mourn, because I know that the bond remains, somehow, so strong that it will keep bringing us back together. I can’t forgive always but I can definitely forget, and forget, I will…someday! We have all gone thru hell and each of us is aware of the other’s silent suffering, yet we can only stand with our mouths agape and our hands loose by our side, silently willing and hoping that the other takes the right step. Aware that we are all mature individuals and no more the motley trio we were—the ugly ducklings became swans, and how!

I remember...

I remember his last words to me; they were uttered in a state of complete disorientation. It was something to do with my hair or some light—I can’t remember precisely. I wanted to ask him to stay, to always be there, wanted to tell him that I love him—despite the painful fights, angry tears, slamming doors and volley of arguments.
I remember the pride in his voice when I would sing—the only time I gave him that chance. I can still recall the first time I’d hugged him and the last time I didn’t. The last time I touched his feet, they were cold. I wish he were here to see me today; somewhere the “me” today is a result of his legacy.
I remember hating him with the same intensity with which I loved him. Even his last conscious words to me were to get out of the room. Yet his excitement at receiving me at the airport, his fierce protection, his generosity, and his stupid jokes are all I can remember.
It’s taken me more than a year to get this out. Yet, “Annu, I miss u more than you’ll ever know. I love you. I wish u were here to see me today. But, I’m sure you’re somewhere above looking down with pride—and smiling.”