Update on desires contd...

accomplished my dream of learning pottery...joined a workshop this summer, and enjoyed it!! love the wheel and love the feel of making something outta muck! hehe..not very into the hand moulding, but would love to continue with the pots!!!
Next in line...swimming!!

A letter...

I look at you from across the room and see you gazing at me with intensity. And I wonder what’s going on in your mind. I ask you with my eyes and you reply “nothing.” But I know that there is something— maybe it’s love, maybe even hope, or perhaps regret at losing what we had. Or maybe just freedom from having to make any more decisions or compromises. I know the whirling emotions, the complex mess— I feel them too. I look at our friends, dating, married. And I feel sad, sad that we had the chance and we lost it. For whatever reason...I used to believe that we shared something special, something cherishable, but maybe I’m not wrong and its just not meant to be…

I try to detach, but I just come closer; I try to be indifferent, but become all the more involved. But maybe that’s the way it’s got to be—complex, crazy, and something of a nameless friendship…..

the path...

I watched the moon dance between the clouds...some kind of ritual i suppose. Or maybe she was playing hide n seek...the clouds, white like ominous spirits, covered the moon and her light...but suddenly a spotlight, as though coming on for a performer, was lit and dazzled the ocean. Bit by bit, the spirits moved away and bit by bit, the light found its path and created one for me-the biblical walk on water came to my mind. And all i wanted to do was walk that silvery path on water, embraced by angels, toward the unknown, toward heaven....

Roles...

Few of the most enlightening moments occur in the loo. Believe it or not!!
—Shanti

Okay nothing very enlightening, but I was just wondering, as I was answering nature’s call, about the many roles that I have been playing and still play…and the many roles I have begun to play since the past few years. In simple English, let me define who I am according to my roles in society. (and now I start sounding like a sociology text book)

A woman—free, independent, liberal…a daughter—responsible, loving, helpless, concerned…a sister—concerned, hopeful…a friend—giving, listening, helping, enjoying…a teacher—teaching (obviously), learning, scolding, being patient…a student—learning, always running late, passionate about psychology…a lover (or rather used to be)—giving, taking, sharing, caring, loving, hoping…a listener—just listening, empathizing, talking, communicating…an editor—hacking people’s hard work and supplementing them with my own, enhancing, correcting, beautifying…a colleague—shy, quiet, friendly…an employee—always running late, conscientious…a teenager—rebelling, rebelling…against society, mom, life!...a child—wishing for the return of innocence, carefree life, someone else handling the responsibilities…and above all me—an absolute romantic, foodie, bull-headed at times, dreamy yet practical, emotional fool….

my first rain in 2009

its raining, and i'm all alone at home...noone to tell and writing is my catharsis...i'm in bangalore, vacationing. Its my first day and i have relaxed enuff to make up for my hectic months.... its been excruciatingly hot (if anyone can use that adjective for heat!) and I have been at the brunt, given my work hours and travelling in mumbai, and nw its raining!!! we live on a terrace flat and the sky is dark, clouds above, spouting rain, and as usual i'm feeling free!! exhilarated!! something jus comes over me. Whenver it rains, i feel like everything is going to be all right... i wanna soak and get wet in the rain and i cant....:( why?? i dunno, probably coz i have a cold... the spray is coming in and i jus wanna be like this alone. for once, ryt now i dont want neone with me, jus me and the rain and the writing!! the smell of the mud turning and getting wet and the sound of the rain, the first rain,this year!!!

desires... continued

Some of these are over-due desires...

• Topping the list is Pottery... I've wanted to learn pottery since a very long time, but never had the opportunity to do so. The simple movement of the hands, to form something so spectacular and smooth is fascinating. At some level this inspiration came from the movie The Ghost. Aah… unchained melody and molding clay and hands… if you’ve seen it, u know the rest.
• Next comes swimming. I’m a scorpion—a water sign—and I love water; I’ve always wanted to learn swimming, but again, it was either the lack of an opportunity or savings. So let me make this public resolution, that I will take up a membership at Mafatlals and learn and practice swimming.
• Driving. I’m not much of a car person, but I believe that it is very essential to learn how to drive; of course I asked one of my friends to teach me to ride a bike (Read: Passion Plus) but of course, it was a failure…he gave up after one session only) but anyway, coming back to the point, I want to learn to drive and SOOONN…
• A Confectionary course. Of course, with my love for food and cooking combined, this is a dream that I want to pursue (see why in my careers post)…aah the joys of baking...all because of mom.. She used to make such yummy food in my bachpan that I want it always...
• FINALLY, I want to learn the guitar and believe me I feel like kicking myself because I dint have the urge to learn it while I was a kid and had an opportunity for more than ten yrs.. but NOOOOO, I wanna learn it when I’m an adult and don’t have a brilliant teacher within a 10 mile radius.. but yah I wanna learn it, strum it and sing...
  
  Ooohhh, when do I accomplish all this? I can’t wait!!
  
  
  
  
  

I...

I’m walking along the shore, the wet sand under my feet…

The sunset reflecting the calm waters and the wind sweeping through my hair...

Somewhere I can hear a seagull cry, and I sit down on the sand.

The white sand trickles between my fingers each shiny granule spectacular in its own way,

and I let the calm wash over me..

Life has come full circle and I’m still at the beginning…

Undecided, scared and very skeptical of the future,

Yet somewhere I am confident that things can’t be worse than they already are,

And my faith in choices making my destiny is reinforced…

The sun is setting and the smell of brine in the air is delicious,

I decide to walk back, casting shadows on the sand,

leaving the footprints of my past behind...

Alone, free…

The Attack of the Roaches... (A short story inspired by a true story)

The other day, I was working rather late at office and had a zillion things on my mind that I had to do before going home. So, as soon as I left work at around 3:30 I planned the remainder of my evening accordingly. I reached Grant road station within an hour and realized that I have ample time left to complete my chores. So, I headed towards the electricity dept. to pay my humongous and already-late bill. Since I was short on cash and had to still go to Fort to run some more errands, I went home (5 min away) and went into the kitchen, drank water, emptied my bag and collected the money. In fact, I’d reached the door, when I realized that I hadn’t collected the money. Anyway, then ensued a nice journey to Fort on the BEST bus, where I was reading my much-cherished Malory Towers. I completed my errands and was home within an hour.

Yes yes, there is some purpose behind my relating this entire Raam Kahaani, and that is to bring to your notice the time difference between the two instances when I went home in that day (and I confess, also to keep you in suspense).

Okay before I go on to the highlight of the day, I would like to emphasize that I am cockroach, bird, and any-huge-insect-that-flies phobic and I jus can’t take dirty, creepy insects in my house. Also, I’m a cleanliness freak and clean my kitchen thoroughly everyday (much to the consternation of my roommate!)

Anyhow, getting back to my story, when I came home the second time, I went into the kitchen to have water. The moment I entered, I saw this huge, almost-two-inches flying cockroach on the floor. I freaked, but immediately took the can of “HIT” and sprayed the damned insect (though “smothered” would be a more likely word choice). Then I saw another one of the same size and did the same thing again. I left them there to die (sadistic ol’ me) and closed the door and went in to the room. After a while, I opened the door again and saw around two more cockroaches scurrying about, trying to get away from the cloud of HIT. But they couldn’t and they too died. By the time I sent an SOS to Pragya (my roommate), I had counted almost 12 cockroaches. I couldn’t, for the life of me, comprehend how so many cockroaches could have been there in the kitchen considering I had jus cleaned it (very thoroughly I must say) the previous day. Then I saw that the drain below the sink was slightly open and realization dawned that this entire khandaan of cockroaches had come out of there (for a picnic, perhaps??) and ended up being massacred. Soon we swept the floor of around a little more than TWENTY cockroaches and closed the drain. Aaah, it was a nightmare come true for me. I felt like I was in an ET movie.

How I celebrated Women's Day...

This was an idyllic weekend, a long one too!
So it started off with work :). It was a very very boring day at work (as usual), where I faffed a lot, but still got something done. I left early from office and met up with Priyam and Pragya—two of my closest friends in Mumbai. We took a ferry to an island just off the coast of Mumbai. It’s called Manori— a small, idyllic beach spot. So we went to this not-so-dingy hotel and booked a room. The view was wonderful and the smell of brine and sand came wafting thru, the “backyard” of the hotel was like a playground, complete with hammocks and swings, and a merry-go-round and see-saws. Oh and what a return to childhood!!! We played on all three, laughing like little kids, while swinging high, merry-go-rounding fast, and see-sawing. The sheer exhilaration of doing something completely mundane, innocent and free is something I just can’t describe. All three of us cuddled up into one hammock (a miracle it didn’t break!) and just chatted, beneath the moon and stars and coconut trees if u may please. We sang together after a long long time—songs long forgotten, loved, nostalgic. We wanted to be up before the sun so that we could go to the beach. So after a very sleepless night (thanks to the dust mites) we woke up and reached the beach, which was just behind the hotel. The serene landscape, the horizon—a wall between two shades of blue; its been long since I felt sand under my feet and waves lapping. The salt in the air smelt heavenly and all I wanted to do was lie down on the beach with the waves all around me. We walked along the shore till we came to some rocks and sat down there, looking across the ocean. Empty thoughts…calm waves…not a cloud in the sky… just the three of us—Dil Chahta hai style. When we went back to the hotel I again sat on the swing again. I felt like I was flying, the sheer joy, the freedom, the sheer happiness as I was flying into the air and back. I laughed like a child, all woes and problems forgotten, childhood memories came back to me, I wanted to swing again and again till I could swing no more. But then, the sun came out and was scorching everything in sight. Soon we found ourselves back on the ferry feeling like we’d been there for a week. Oh, but what a relaxing week, and what a return to our childhood on Women’s Day!!

life...

Life is full…

Of love lost and found,
Of friendships sealed and broken,
Of feelings felt and numbed,

Of being loved and mourned,
Of being caressed and stoned,
Of being wanted and abandoned,

Of being remembered and forgotten,
Of being respected and insulted,
Of having been there done that,

This world is full of opposites,
And so are we

Of having lived and died.