Disclaimer: the two posts below, i dont believe are the best of my work--whatever little there is of it--however, i had this need to vent and write, and my feelings have come out the best that they can...the "feelings" post is very private, very personal...those who know me can understand--i hope...yet, i must confess that this is a raw form of my emotions--no farce, no facade..just me.

feelings....

I’m struggling with my feelings,

I don’t know what it is… a desperate melancholy, emptiness, maybe hope??

There’s the rock and the hard place, and then there’s me, stuck in between

And no matter how much I try, I’m probably going to die of claustrophobia…

So many feelings, so many thoughts, so many memories surround me,

The ink on the paper spreads, creating a pattern of swirling emotions,

I wanna laugh, I wanna cry, I wanna feel like never before,

I wanna dance, swirl in his arms, where there is just me and him…

There is so much I want, yet so much that comes with it that I don’t…

What is higher? My identity, my pride, the perceptions I have created through these years?? Or is all that matters just me and him??

But then, just me and him, is not all that matters to him…is it??

Is this even about us?? Is this just a fantasy of being in love, sharing intimate moments?

Or is it true love?? The thing that people live their entire lives to search for…

That movies and novels describe,

But these past 4 years have taught me so much more…

i can love, i have found love, and i believe in it... but is it enough??

Where does it all end? Where do I come to a standstill and choose?

A choice that will affect us all, whether it’s for the good or the bad…

But the emotions remain, my feelings still swirling in the pit of my stomach,

And I can’t think, I can only feel…

Maybe ill wish on a shooting star or ill kneel down and bend my head in penance at the altar

Or ill talk to God one on one

Till then, I can only feel…

these are places, familiar places...my dearest memories were made here.

the rain is lashing at the pavement, the wind creating havoc with the trees...

people hurrying past to escape the stinging water drops and rickshaws spraying them with the mucky Mumbai rain...

and I, a mere spectator, look back...to another day, another time, another moment...

when the air resounded with our playful banter, gleeful laughter, us taking delight in each other's presence... a mere look, a touch...

the pavements are still there, so are the trees...the people are still rushing by.

yet i stand still, a solitary figure, a victim of time, in the torrential rain--alone and incomplete.

Epitome of Cynicism... and Lessons Learned.

So im trying to get it out...Here goes:

My Ten Commandments

• Listen to your intuition-- it is always right.

• Understand that love is overrated-- it is never like in the movies.

• Realise that noone will understand what you are going through, not even if they have gone through it themselves-- the experiences are always different.

• Don't think that love overcomes everything-- you need to be on the same wavelength.

• Don't depend on anyone wholly-- they always keep themselves happy first-- and so do you!

• Marriage is not the perfect end to love-- its just the beginner's course to test your love.

• Always be there for your family-- they are the only ones who you can love unconditionally-- God's rule.

• Don't care about society and what it says-- it is there to gab and gossip. It is your life; do what you feel is right.

• Never hope-- I know, if it were not for hope, the heart would break-- but it breaks anyway, hoping just makes it worse.

• Always believe in yourself-- no specific God, no religion-- believe that you know the difference between right and wrong, good and bad; make that your religion and that your God. You are what you make of yourself...

the fall...

She stood with bated breath, peering into the yawning gorge of darkness.

Determined, she turned her back on the precipice.

The wind played truant with her hair; and her heart, with her.

She closed her eyes; her keen ears drinking in the sounds around her.

A bird calling, the soft whisper of the trees, and most of all, the loud silence

The beating of her own heart, a bee buzzing nearby--life all around her.

She closed her mind, and taking a deep breath,

With her arms wide open, she took the final plunge

Into the black depths of nothingness...

Empty...

An empty room, a bookshelf filled with dust

Billowing curtains, crumpled sheets, a slept-in-bed

A breeze rustling dead leaves on the floor, the dust swirling

The sunlight streaming through the cracked glass

Old love letters—tear streaked and well-worn

Dried rose petals, cracked photo frames

A chair rocking alone in the breeze

A shattered mirror, a book--its yellowed pages fluttering

Wisps of memories surrounding the room

Footprints in the dust, walking out the door....

Update on desires contd...

accomplished my dream of learning pottery...joined a workshop this summer, and enjoyed it!! love the wheel and love the feel of making something outta muck! hehe..not very into the hand moulding, but would love to continue with the pots!!!
Next in line...swimming!!

A letter...

I look at you from across the room and see you gazing at me with intensity. And I wonder what’s going on in your mind. I ask you with my eyes and you reply “nothing.” But I know that there is something— maybe it’s love, maybe even hope, or perhaps regret at losing what we had. Or maybe just freedom from having to make any more decisions or compromises. I know the whirling emotions, the complex mess— I feel them too. I look at our friends, dating, married. And I feel sad, sad that we had the chance and we lost it. For whatever reason...I used to believe that we shared something special, something cherishable, but maybe I’m not wrong and its just not meant to be…

I try to detach, but I just come closer; I try to be indifferent, but become all the more involved. But maybe that’s the way it’s got to be—complex, crazy, and something of a nameless friendship…..

the path...

I watched the moon dance between the clouds...some kind of ritual i suppose. Or maybe she was playing hide n seek...the clouds, white like ominous spirits, covered the moon and her light...but suddenly a spotlight, as though coming on for a performer, was lit and dazzled the ocean. Bit by bit, the spirits moved away and bit by bit, the light found its path and created one for me-the biblical walk on water came to my mind. And all i wanted to do was walk that silvery path on water, embraced by angels, toward the unknown, toward heaven....

Roles...

Few of the most enlightening moments occur in the loo. Believe it or not!!
—Shanti

Okay nothing very enlightening, but I was just wondering, as I was answering nature’s call, about the many roles that I have been playing and still play…and the many roles I have begun to play since the past few years. In simple English, let me define who I am according to my roles in society. (and now I start sounding like a sociology text book)

A woman—free, independent, liberal…a daughter—responsible, loving, helpless, concerned…a sister—concerned, hopeful…a friend—giving, listening, helping, enjoying…a teacher—teaching (obviously), learning, scolding, being patient…a student—learning, always running late, passionate about psychology…a lover (or rather used to be)—giving, taking, sharing, caring, loving, hoping…a listener—just listening, empathizing, talking, communicating…an editor—hacking people’s hard work and supplementing them with my own, enhancing, correcting, beautifying…a colleague—shy, quiet, friendly…an employee—always running late, conscientious…a teenager—rebelling, rebelling…against society, mom, life!...a child—wishing for the return of innocence, carefree life, someone else handling the responsibilities…and above all me—an absolute romantic, foodie, bull-headed at times, dreamy yet practical, emotional fool….