times when i wonder whether all this struggling, fighting, hoping, dreaming is worth it. What if what is meant to be is just doom? im in this self pitying mode where i can see only wat is negative in my life. i hate it, but i guess im entitled to it once in awhile. im tired of all this, all the unsurety, insecurity, instability, the wondering whether my choices are right, my actions are correct, my path is relatively unstrewn with thorns.
Am i being stubbron? stubborn tht i want what i want, what i have dreamt. but am i then not a fool to give so much and not expect any thing in return? so now im counting my sacrifices, my compromises so am i not an opportunist, throw it in their faces when im most frustrated, most tired?
dunno....i just knw tht as i go down the path i choose, i will have to draw on all my strength and make things work. I just wish it wasnt a one-man show!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
the joys and sorrows of living alone...Part 1
So, what is the first thing that you say when you hear that two girls live alone in a flat in Mumbai, the city that never sleeps?
Few of the common things I’ve heard are,
“Wow! Your so lucky, no parental supervision.”
“No deadlines at home!! “
“No mom breathing down your neck.”
“So cool! You can eat whatever you want.”
“If I was you id order out every day!! “
“The number of sleepovers you can have!!! Too cool! “
Well, in the beginning, I won’t deny that my roomie, Pragya, and I had a few similar thoughts. In fact, the first two months were a whirlwind of eating out and going for movies. Till we realised that we had burned major holes in our pockets. At that time, although I was earning, it was barely enough to meet rent, and Pragya could definitely not ask her parents for more money considering they had just sent her some a few days ago!!!
Slowly, the excitement faded. Reality bit!
We desperately needed a servant to do the basic cleaning. And there ensued the servant hunt. Today, we have the same bai working for us, who does a shoddy job, but we’re merely grateful that she does it at all.
Now, no matter how much you eat out, one day you are going to wake up and say, “I want home food”!! Thankfully, I love cooking and Pragya also learnt the basics. But what to cook? Every day was a feat. That was when we realised what we would put our mothers thru when we would say “phir se wahi khana?? (the same food, yet again??).”
Sure, we had a zillion friends coming over and as they came and went it was fun. But then, after a point you need your space, no??
Two years of college (plus working for me) passed, and today we both handle full time jobs. Where is the time to watch a movie, when we barely see each other in the week? Eating out has become more of a necessity than a novelty. The bai comes in the morning, still does her shoddy work and leaves. The gas is almost over, and I ran around to get the work done coz they (if you please!) blocked our account since we hadn’t ordered for a new cylinder since 8 months!! Now, is that our fault if the same cylinder is still working, though we are in constant fear that it will give out in between our dal making?? (P.S. still no new gas)
When we come home, most of us are used to being served a warm meal, our clothes are washed and folded, the dishes are done, the beds are made. But coming home from work is another ordeal.
So thankfully, we divide the work between us. If I wash the dishes, she does the clothes; if I make the sabzi, she does the chapatti. But, it doesn’t end here!! We have to fill the water filter, sell the news paper raddi, buy the groceries, veggies; the list can go on and on.
My point here is that, cherish the parental supervision while you have it, cherish the small odd chores you’re made to do in the day. Because when you gotta do it urself, then living alone doesn’t seem so much fun any more.
(P.S. Do watch out for my next post on the advantages of staying alone :D)
Few of the common things I’ve heard are,
“Wow! Your so lucky, no parental supervision.”
“No deadlines at home!! “
“No mom breathing down your neck.”
“So cool! You can eat whatever you want.”
“If I was you id order out every day!! “
“The number of sleepovers you can have!!! Too cool! “
Well, in the beginning, I won’t deny that my roomie, Pragya, and I had a few similar thoughts. In fact, the first two months were a whirlwind of eating out and going for movies. Till we realised that we had burned major holes in our pockets. At that time, although I was earning, it was barely enough to meet rent, and Pragya could definitely not ask her parents for more money considering they had just sent her some a few days ago!!!
Slowly, the excitement faded. Reality bit!
We desperately needed a servant to do the basic cleaning. And there ensued the servant hunt. Today, we have the same bai working for us, who does a shoddy job, but we’re merely grateful that she does it at all.
Now, no matter how much you eat out, one day you are going to wake up and say, “I want home food”!! Thankfully, I love cooking and Pragya also learnt the basics. But what to cook? Every day was a feat. That was when we realised what we would put our mothers thru when we would say “phir se wahi khana?? (the same food, yet again??).”
Sure, we had a zillion friends coming over and as they came and went it was fun. But then, after a point you need your space, no??
Two years of college (plus working for me) passed, and today we both handle full time jobs. Where is the time to watch a movie, when we barely see each other in the week? Eating out has become more of a necessity than a novelty. The bai comes in the morning, still does her shoddy work and leaves. The gas is almost over, and I ran around to get the work done coz they (if you please!) blocked our account since we hadn’t ordered for a new cylinder since 8 months!! Now, is that our fault if the same cylinder is still working, though we are in constant fear that it will give out in between our dal making?? (P.S. still no new gas)
When we come home, most of us are used to being served a warm meal, our clothes are washed and folded, the dishes are done, the beds are made. But coming home from work is another ordeal.
So thankfully, we divide the work between us. If I wash the dishes, she does the clothes; if I make the sabzi, she does the chapatti. But, it doesn’t end here!! We have to fill the water filter, sell the news paper raddi, buy the groceries, veggies; the list can go on and on.
My point here is that, cherish the parental supervision while you have it, cherish the small odd chores you’re made to do in the day. Because when you gotta do it urself, then living alone doesn’t seem so much fun any more.
(P.S. Do watch out for my next post on the advantages of staying alone :D)
Monday, September 6, 2010
my dreams are bursting at the seams...
I'm a simple girl.
I've lived my life in a protected environment. I would'nt say pampered, but protected, nevertheless. As a child I never thought of the future. What would I be when I'm twenty five. What kind of guy would I want to marry. Would things like community, caste, religion, really matter? As I grew up and adolescence set in, things began to change, but I was never sure. I had talents, oh I did. But I never bothered to hone them really. I was often called unambitious, never felt that I was really very intelligent. None of the moves I made in life were directed/guided by me, and life went on. I made choices, often not very wise ones, mostly because I was hesitant. Hesitant to go against what everyone else said and to do what I wanted. But then I was never really sure of what I even wanted.
Today, Im 25 years old. Still struggling to establish my career. And as I see life pass me by, I realise those dormant ambitions within me are waking up. I have simple demands; Id like to think that Im not that complicated.
I want security. Which is something, i believe, everyone wants. But as I see my self struggling everyday, for the past three years (though Im sure other people are going thru worse) I see that I want more. Prolly more than people want to or can give me, and then I look within myself to bring out that security; like they all say, i am alone in this world, i came alone, ill die alone.
I have come upon a very impoirtant decision in my life. Something major in everyone's lives and somehow, now, given my compromises, struggling, sacrifices and tears, i just want to make it perfect.
My dreams are bursting at the seams. But is it all too much to ask for? Isnt security a simple enough demand?
I've lived my life in a protected environment. I would'nt say pampered, but protected, nevertheless. As a child I never thought of the future. What would I be when I'm twenty five. What kind of guy would I want to marry. Would things like community, caste, religion, really matter? As I grew up and adolescence set in, things began to change, but I was never sure. I had talents, oh I did. But I never bothered to hone them really. I was often called unambitious, never felt that I was really very intelligent. None of the moves I made in life were directed/guided by me, and life went on. I made choices, often not very wise ones, mostly because I was hesitant. Hesitant to go against what everyone else said and to do what I wanted. But then I was never really sure of what I even wanted.
Today, Im 25 years old. Still struggling to establish my career. And as I see life pass me by, I realise those dormant ambitions within me are waking up. I have simple demands; Id like to think that Im not that complicated.
I want security. Which is something, i believe, everyone wants. But as I see my self struggling everyday, for the past three years (though Im sure other people are going thru worse) I see that I want more. Prolly more than people want to or can give me, and then I look within myself to bring out that security; like they all say, i am alone in this world, i came alone, ill die alone.
I have come upon a very impoirtant decision in my life. Something major in everyone's lives and somehow, now, given my compromises, struggling, sacrifices and tears, i just want to make it perfect.
My dreams are bursting at the seams. But is it all too much to ask for? Isnt security a simple enough demand?
Saturday, September 4, 2010
I AM A TCK
You must be wondering what TCK stands for. Well read on and you'll know.
Without meaning to brag, i would say im quite different from many people.
Definition: Someone who, as a child, has spent a significant period of time in one or more culture(s) other than his or her own, thus integrating elements of those cultures, and their own birth culture, into a third culture.
Without meaning to brag, i would say im quite different from many people.
- Ive lived 17 years of my life as an NRI.
- Im rather biased toward foreign maal, read: chocolates, soaps, Mountain Dew, chips, Pizza Hut Pizzas, the roads, traffic.
- For me, India is a novelty, and only after 8 yrs of being in Mumbai, can i call it home. I must be one of the few Non-Mumbaiites who can call Mumbai home.
- I rely more on friends, than on relatives.(where were they when we needed them)
- The Aamchi community is something of a novelty for me.
- I have a zillion friends ranging from Indians, to Pakistanis, to Lebanese, to Srilankans.
- I can differentiate between life here and life there in a neutral manner, and though Oman wins almost all the accolades, I would never wanna stay there again.
Definition: Someone who, as a child, has spent a significant period of time in one or more culture(s) other than his or her own, thus integrating elements of those cultures, and their own birth culture, into a third culture.
helpless...
a myriad colours burst in her face
a myriad emotions cloud her mind.
as the world spins around,
she flails her arms
searching for someone,
something, to hold on to
a myriad emotions cloud her mind.
as the world spins around,
she flails her arms
searching for someone,
something, to hold on to
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)