"I want to live like animals.....careless and free...... like animals...... i want to live...... i want to run thru the jungle ......the wind in my hair...... and the sand at my feet. "
I feel like m going thru a midlife crisis, but m just 22......suddenly i dont want to be bound by emotions, attachments, friends, family, people. They say man is a social animal, but frankly m kinda sick of people. I'm sick of the everyday interaction with people, homo sapiens just like me. The daily to n fro of feeling appreciated and yet being looked down upon, of keeping up farces and trying to break thru someone elses farces, of trying to be nice to someone u just cant stand, of being mean to people u really love, just because u had a bad day or are going thru a bad phase, tired of being in a constant state of motion, on the move, doing this and that, wondering how to improve ur lifestyle, to remain healthy, happy, satisfied. It just doesnt seem worth it. Right now i wanna be Tom Hanks of Cast Away where there is noone but a football (chuck i think the name was) and cardboards of the Fed Ex. Somewhere i dont have to worry abt nething except food n shelter and where i can jus be alone with my thoughts, a place at the sea, sand.... so tht im able to run on the sand, in the water, my hair flying behind me, exhilaration creeping in, peace settling in, a kind of effervescent, bubbling energy, free, unattached, unbound and just ME MYSELF the person i am , my thoughts my beliefs. jus wanna be alone...................
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
Changes.........
How many of us can actually welcome change with open arms? Get out of our comfort zone, a place v feel v belong and then go out into the biting cold or the scorching sun. I have always been a person who never could adjust to change...... but with time- and may i confess a lot of hard core changes- i have realised that rebelling against the everchanging atmosphere in my life, is definitely not gonna help me adjust to it. Changes are like the rain in the monsoon and the heat in summer. If it has to come, it will and u have to bear it. No amount of air conditioner bills and raincoats is gonna prevent it from coming. So go out in the rain and soak away to glory and apply suntan lotion and get an awesome golden brown tan. Make the best of ur changes, because these changes are also temporary and soon other situations will replace them. The scouts n guides have this motto-Be prepared- i never knew what it was all about, but have been able to properly apply it to my life-albeit 22 yrs late- but its never too late.
Kinda reminds me of a chapter on Organisation in my Industrial Psychology paper. Something about episodic and continuous change. So life is an episodic change, you dont really wanna change, but due to circumstances u have to and by the time u DO change, another circumstance dictates another change and its a chain reaction, a vicious circle which goes on and on:) so the solution is that, instead of tiring urself by a constant step taking of worrying, rebelling, changing and then adjusting and then going at it again, just indulge in continuous change and that reiterates my theory of Be Prepared :)
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
my books
Off late I have been trying to catch up on my reading. I read all kinds of stuff, from mushy romances to thrilling adventures and mysteries.
My childhood passed in a love affair with Enid Blyton stories. From toys waking up at night in a playroom, to how Darrel Rivers settles down in Malory Towers, the adventures of Moonface, Silky and the kids, The wishing chair adevntures, i have learnt so much…about friendship, respect, caring, commitment, loyalty, sensitivity…
My childhood passed in a love affair with Enid Blyton stories. From toys waking up at night in a playroom, to how Darrel Rivers settles down in Malory Towers, the adventures of Moonface, Silky and the kids, The wishing chair adevntures, i have learnt so much…about friendship, respect, caring, commitment, loyalty, sensitivity…
The Famous Fives, the Five Find Outers and Mr. Goon, their adventures…Oh jus thinking about them makes me want to read them all over again…Nostalgia sets in…
Reading takes me into a completely different world. I almost become the character it self and once that happens I am lost. I just cant keep the book down.
I love Harry Potter too. The way J.K Rowling, creates magic (pun intended!) around the reader is absolutely amazing. The movies can’t match up…sadly!
Another favorite is Agatha Christie. Of all the books I have read, I don’t think I have ever been able to figure out the culprit or the way the crime was committed…its strange but she’s brilliant….may it be Monsieur Poirot or Miss Maple…..
My recent favorites are The Notebook, Nicholas Sparks. Never thought a man could write such heart breaking novels. I have laughed and cried with those characters. The sensitivity, the reality, the love…all of it has been conveyed so beautifully, it makes one read them again and again.
Another one being Doctors by Erich Seagal…the way the lives of Barney and Linda are intertwined, through childhood, college at Harvard Med School, their friends and family. I must have read the book just twice but the impact was made.
I’m not too fond of Indian literature, but there is this one Afghan guy, Khalid Hosseini who writes beautiful stories. The Kite Runner, A Thousand Splendid Sons…m waiting for his next.
I go into a completely different world where I can see things in my mind, my imagination. Hehe I’m a hopeless romantic… in both ways day dreamy as well...What to do. And books just add on to the romantic side of me.
Reading takes me into a completely different world. I almost become the character it self and once that happens I am lost. I just cant keep the book down.
I love Harry Potter too. The way J.K Rowling, creates magic (pun intended!) around the reader is absolutely amazing. The movies can’t match up…sadly!
Another favorite is Agatha Christie. Of all the books I have read, I don’t think I have ever been able to figure out the culprit or the way the crime was committed…its strange but she’s brilliant….may it be Monsieur Poirot or Miss Maple…..
My recent favorites are The Notebook, Nicholas Sparks. Never thought a man could write such heart breaking novels. I have laughed and cried with those characters. The sensitivity, the reality, the love…all of it has been conveyed so beautifully, it makes one read them again and again.
Another one being Doctors by Erich Seagal…the way the lives of Barney and Linda are intertwined, through childhood, college at Harvard Med School, their friends and family. I must have read the book just twice but the impact was made.
I’m not too fond of Indian literature, but there is this one Afghan guy, Khalid Hosseini who writes beautiful stories. The Kite Runner, A Thousand Splendid Sons…m waiting for his next.
I go into a completely different world where I can see things in my mind, my imagination. Hehe I’m a hopeless romantic… in both ways day dreamy as well...What to do. And books just add on to the romantic side of me.
Poetry
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood,
and I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost
Hardly a lover of poems, I am able to connect to this one. Oh, surely there maybe much more meaning to it, but I love it and my interpretation because I feel it gives so much meaning to ones life. It’s about how we make choices. Okay here goes my interpretation:
Suddenly I am faced with two completely contrasting choices and though I want to bake my cake and eat it too, I know well enough that ill have to make only one choice (I prefer eating! :) ). One person faced with two choices, is not easy. I check one choice out as much as I can and see that it has been made many a time and I want to do something that no-one else has done before. I soon realize that I finally have to decide. But I know that once I go my way and make my choice, there will be no looking back and as I make one choice, I will go on to another and another and I may never be faced again with the same two choices, nor will I be able to come back to this point in my life, because the yellow wood is my life and there will be many more paths n choices to make.. And somewhere ages later I will probably say(maybe to my grandchildren) that the choice I made -which is something that most people wouldn’t make- made all the difference…Hmmm hardly a rave review, I feel I haven’t put my best into the review but somewhere I can connect to this poem. Its all about life and choices. And any choice u make, may it be the same as most others or different from them, will be what will lead to your destiny and that will be what makes u different from other people. Which brings me to question of what is destiny, kismet, naseeb? Who writes it? Is it God? Is it us? I believe that yes, God has definitely got a hand in it .But he has made us capable of making our own destiny. The choices we make, the actions we take, our ‘karma’ makes us who we are today. It’s our decision our choice, we go along with it, no matter how many obstacles, we may also be faced with many more on the way, yet no one else is to blame if something goes wrong tomorrow. But at the same time we must also be able to discriminate between right and wrong and make the right choice. Go with your gut feeling. I believe intuition is a God send. It’s that entity which makes u know and decide what to do or which direction to go. Go with your intuition and get out there and give in ur best and the rest will fall in place automatically :)
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood,
and I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost
Hardly a lover of poems, I am able to connect to this one. Oh, surely there maybe much more meaning to it, but I love it and my interpretation because I feel it gives so much meaning to ones life. It’s about how we make choices. Okay here goes my interpretation:
Suddenly I am faced with two completely contrasting choices and though I want to bake my cake and eat it too, I know well enough that ill have to make only one choice (I prefer eating! :) ). One person faced with two choices, is not easy. I check one choice out as much as I can and see that it has been made many a time and I want to do something that no-one else has done before. I soon realize that I finally have to decide. But I know that once I go my way and make my choice, there will be no looking back and as I make one choice, I will go on to another and another and I may never be faced again with the same two choices, nor will I be able to come back to this point in my life, because the yellow wood is my life and there will be many more paths n choices to make.. And somewhere ages later I will probably say(maybe to my grandchildren) that the choice I made -which is something that most people wouldn’t make- made all the difference…Hmmm hardly a rave review, I feel I haven’t put my best into the review but somewhere I can connect to this poem. Its all about life and choices. And any choice u make, may it be the same as most others or different from them, will be what will lead to your destiny and that will be what makes u different from other people. Which brings me to question of what is destiny, kismet, naseeb? Who writes it? Is it God? Is it us? I believe that yes, God has definitely got a hand in it .But he has made us capable of making our own destiny. The choices we make, the actions we take, our ‘karma’ makes us who we are today. It’s our decision our choice, we go along with it, no matter how many obstacles, we may also be faced with many more on the way, yet no one else is to blame if something goes wrong tomorrow. But at the same time we must also be able to discriminate between right and wrong and make the right choice. Go with your gut feeling. I believe intuition is a God send. It’s that entity which makes u know and decide what to do or which direction to go. Go with your intuition and get out there and give in ur best and the rest will fall in place automatically :)
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Four friends, one coffee shop. Its been a long time since we met up and shared our views and thoughts, relationships, the future, a career. What do we do? Where do we go? Its been a long time and none of us has really considered the future. Oh i knw that i want to be a clinical psychologist and my other friends have their goals, but how to go about it? We've just finished our final university exam and need to pursue a masters degree, but i want to support myself from this point onwards. I dont want mom to keep supporting me financially, so now m in search of a job.
Its funny how, at one moment, ur a kid and then overnight ur forced, literally jerked out of ur complacent state and made to be mature because alls not well in the world...well definitely in your world. When dad died, i was giving my final exams, not really innocent, but very unaware of the kind of responsibilities i would have to take. And now i see myself, mature (atleast i think so), responsible , wanting to stand on my own feet, support my self and education, trying to achieve a goal i have set myself. Yet at times, somehwere i wonder where the old 'me' went. But i kinda like this new me. Hehehe i sound so confused na, even to myself. But somewhere i m not, suddenly im seeing life in a new perspective. i have a stronger sense of who i am and what i want in life. i can be more assertive and pursue my goals. So i dont think ive turned out that bad.
A few of my childhood memories come back to me.
My mom used to talk to me. i remember those times, when i used to sit on the spotless kitchen floor and listen to her talk. About life, things.. experiences ....the kind of people there are in the world. And in that secluded, protective environment i dint deem such things as highly important. but then i came down to india and started experiencing similar things, meeting similar people and somewhere the behaviours, mental sets that i saw seemed no more new because mom had already exposed them to me and then i found myself doing the same thing......talkin to people about these things, telling them about my experiences after a point of time ....and this time not only because i deemed it important but also because i had started believing in them myself.
Its funny how, at one moment, ur a kid and then overnight ur forced, literally jerked out of ur complacent state and made to be mature because alls not well in the world...well definitely in your world. When dad died, i was giving my final exams, not really innocent, but very unaware of the kind of responsibilities i would have to take. And now i see myself, mature (atleast i think so), responsible , wanting to stand on my own feet, support my self and education, trying to achieve a goal i have set myself. Yet at times, somehwere i wonder where the old 'me' went. But i kinda like this new me. Hehehe i sound so confused na, even to myself. But somewhere i m not, suddenly im seeing life in a new perspective. i have a stronger sense of who i am and what i want in life. i can be more assertive and pursue my goals. So i dont think ive turned out that bad.
A few of my childhood memories come back to me.
My mom used to talk to me. i remember those times, when i used to sit on the spotless kitchen floor and listen to her talk. About life, things.. experiences ....the kind of people there are in the world. And in that secluded, protective environment i dint deem such things as highly important. but then i came down to india and started experiencing similar things, meeting similar people and somewhere the behaviours, mental sets that i saw seemed no more new because mom had already exposed them to me and then i found myself doing the same thing......talkin to people about these things, telling them about my experiences after a point of time ....and this time not only because i deemed it important but also because i had started believing in them myself.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
i dunno what to write....there is this emptiness inside, this never ending ache, a feeling tht refuses to go, like so much is happening yet something is missing from my life...
i was sitting at marine drive today and just looking at a ship far away on the horizon, so different from everything around it, it seemed ablaze with fire, but i was quite sure that those were just the lights, for a moment, i wanted to be that ship on the horizon, to be ablaze with a fire from inside, not be attached, be free, be alone, with my thoughts, and just be MYSELF... i had a lovely dinner tonight, but again something was missing, when will my incomplete puzzle get its perfect piece, the only piece that can fit in? i guess never, since the piece has been lost...a piece that could make my puzzle oh- so- perfect and one...but my piece had to join another puzzle and i couldnt break up my entire puzzle and join another one, so we are separate and what that piece could bring to my puzzle by joining it, no other has ever come close to giving that much, because it was a perfect fit...
i knw this is incomprehendable, yet it makes perfect sense to me... people say life moves on, but sometimes you may just not want it to move on, but want it to move back and probably change things, circumstances, mind sets, but not those moments, not those times tht are close to your heart, not those that are special, no matter how much they hurt you, because probably those thoughts, moments, memores are what u are today, one by one, each thought has been enmeshed and entangled together such that it has made a different being out of you...
i was sitting at marine drive today and just looking at a ship far away on the horizon, so different from everything around it, it seemed ablaze with fire, but i was quite sure that those were just the lights, for a moment, i wanted to be that ship on the horizon, to be ablaze with a fire from inside, not be attached, be free, be alone, with my thoughts, and just be MYSELF... i had a lovely dinner tonight, but again something was missing, when will my incomplete puzzle get its perfect piece, the only piece that can fit in? i guess never, since the piece has been lost...a piece that could make my puzzle oh- so- perfect and one...but my piece had to join another puzzle and i couldnt break up my entire puzzle and join another one, so we are separate and what that piece could bring to my puzzle by joining it, no other has ever come close to giving that much, because it was a perfect fit...
i knw this is incomprehendable, yet it makes perfect sense to me... people say life moves on, but sometimes you may just not want it to move on, but want it to move back and probably change things, circumstances, mind sets, but not those moments, not those times tht are close to your heart, not those that are special, no matter how much they hurt you, because probably those thoughts, moments, memores are what u are today, one by one, each thought has been enmeshed and entangled together such that it has made a different being out of you...
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